


Forced Happiness

by haessal



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hopeful Ending, Idiots in Love, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, POV Original Character, Post-Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Rey Hates Kylo Ren, Rey Needs A Hug, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-03 19:49:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14003409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haessal/pseuds/haessal
Summary: I'm unhappy with happy endings. I’ve experimented with the obvious alternatives. Open ending: unsatisfactory. Unhappy ending: very unsatisfactory. I have to admit that I DO want them to end up together. I just can’t stand the fluff.In this story, I turn it upside down and tell you from the start that they will end up together, but I won’t recount how that looks like. Instead, I’ll tell the painful way there.This story has three layers:1.	The future, which they spend together. Won’t be told.2.	The present. Rey is pregnant and stands at the edge of a cliff, considering to jump.3.	The past. Main focus of the story, told in flash-backs, not chronologic.POV: the unborn child.





	1. Conception

**Author's Note:**

> A few rather short chapters. This is my way of acting out my dark side. The story is centered around possibly unsettling sexual activity. It features dubious consent up to borderline rape and my awkward resolution to neither judge nor trivialize. Comments welcome.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Innocence is thought charming because it offers delightful possibilities for exploitation. (Mason Cooley, American aphorist)

I don’t have a name yet. I’m ensnared inside this woman’s womb. My mother. Her name is Rey.

Right now, she is standing at the edge of a cliff. I can feel her conflict. It scares me. She wants to jump. I’m angry. I haven’t even lived and she considers to kill me in a murder-suicide!

I can see the abyss through her eyes. It is vertigo-inducing. There is no bottom. The valley below is covered in mist. I want to tell her to stay away, but this bond between us seems to go one way. I feel her, but I think she doesn’t feel me. Or maybe she doesn’t allow herself to. Why would she? I’m an abomination. My father is Kylo Ren. In her eyes, I should not even exist.

I can witness her memories when she recalls them. And right now, she is going through every single one that brought her here, to the edge. Like my begetting.

\--

He had captured her. During a fight on Dagobah, he had caught some of her friends and then offered to trade them for her. She had agreed. Now she was held in a cell in a bunker.

For weeks, he came to visit her every day, but she refused to talk to him. He brought her food and books and he told her what was going on in the great war of our times. She remained silent. It frustrated him and she could feel it, but she held her ground. It was the only power she had over him. Leaving him with the empty shell of her body, refusing to let him into her soul. The weeks passed. He kept his routine. Every day, he would visit her for about an hour and talk to her, even though she didn’t say a word.

One day, while he was in the middle of explaining the First Order’s war tactics, they both felt a shock in the force. It was his mother. Gone forever. He broke down, sinking from the chair he sat on, falling to his knees and on his fours. She felt so much pity for him then. When he began to tremble, she rose from her usual position - sitting on the bed and staring at the wall - and walked over to him.

He did not look up, so she wrapped her arms around him. He cried even harder, and she raised him to a kneeling position, burying her hands in his hair, pulling his head to her chest and caressing him the way she had wished her entire life for someone to caress her.

It calmed him and they shared a moment of peace together. It didn’t last long. He hugged her back, hesitantly at first, but when she did not resist, he squeezed her tight. Too tight. His hands started to roam over her body. She could feel how he channeled his powerlessness about his mother’s death into his power over her. He lifted her up.

She wriggled in protest. “No, Kylo, let me down.”

He did not pay attention. She landed on the bed and he looked at her with a dangerous feral longing that buried all the sadness. She knew what was coming. She had dreaded it for weeks, but she had hoped that there would be a way to avoid it.

“No. Kylo, this is not how it’s supposed to be.” Her plea was only a helpless whisper. She knew he was not going to withdraw.

She crawled backwards, trying to get some distance between him and her, but he grabbed her ankle and pulled her back.

“You’ve been denying me for weeks.” There was anger in his voice, overshadowing his insecurity. “I’ve been so patient! I’ve had enough. You’re only playing with me!”

“No, I’m not. Kylo, please, just let me go. Don’t make me hate you.” Tears went down her face.

He kept a firm grip on her ankle while he opened his trousers.

“I want you to hate me. If you hate me, at least I will see a reason why you torture me so much.”

The statement surprised her and she stopped fighting for a moment. He took advantage of it and pulled at her trousers. She had received fresh clothes from the droids every day, but no underwear.

He paused and marveled at the sight of her bare legs. Then he launched himself onto her, weighting her down with his enormous body. And forced his swollen member into her. The bond reacted, blending their minds. She could feel his surprise at the moistly, warm feeling her much too tight walls wrapped around his cock. It mingled with her pain and her indignity.

“You’re still a virgin.” He looked at her face, stunned.

She turned it to face the wall. “I was.”

“Face me!” He shouted and gripped her chin to turn her face back toward him. She looked at him with defiant eyes, while he spilled into her.

That’s how I was sired, conceived during an irremissible act of violation.

\---

My mother was in pain. He pulled out and she started to relax, her insides slowly easing up.

He tried to stroke her cheek, but she slapped him in the face. He pulled back and frowned at her. Her eyes were fixed on him. She refused to be a victim. She slapped him on the other side of his face. Hard. Her fingers left marks. Her eyes sparkled.

“I’m not done yet,” she proclaimed. She could see that he wasn’t sure what she referred to. Neither was she.

“Slap me once more, and I’ll fuck you again.”

She looked down at his length. “Don’t make threats that you cannot deliver on.”

Her hand moved to slap him again, her eyes still fixed on his. He caught her wrist and pinned her down.

With a swift movement of his knees, he forced her legs apart and stared at his cum, trickling out of her, mixed with a trace of blood. Licking his lips, he probed one of his gloved fingers into her cunt.

Sensing no protest from her, he made her sit and crawled behind her to hold her in his arms, while his finger slowly slid into her more deeply. He removed the glove of his other hand with his teeth and slipped it under her tunic. It started to squeeze her breasts, milking them in turns until she thought she was going to lactate. His finger moved in and out of her. It hurt, but she needed it. Her breath caught. When she let it out again, it involuntarily produced a wanton sound.

He worked his thumb around her clit and she started to moan. “Allow it,” he whispered against her ear. “Forget the pain. Focus on the pleasure. Focus on your needs. Come on my hand.” The moment he added a second gloved finger, her sore walls contracted violently around the leather. “Good girl,” he whispered.

Her shivers mixed up with sobs. She cried herself to sleep while he held her in his arms. When she woke up the next morning, he was gone. The door to the bunker stood open.

\--

I don’t understand. Her memories seem to be a concatenation of emotional disturbances. My mother often thinks about her time on a lonely island in the middle of a vast ocean. I think that she only spent a few days there, but these days must have been important to her. She completed her transition from a tomboy-girl to an adult woman.

My father wasn’t there, but she had seen him there, even talked to him, tough he was somewhere else far away. On one of these occasions, she had seen his bare chest. It turned her on so much. Confused her. She wanted to hate him. My father is a despicable creature. I don’t really get what she sees in him. Yet, right after the talk, she went back to her hut and laid down on the stone bed, touching herself. She imagined how she would touch his breasts with her hands, tracing down the scar she had given him, softly circling his nipples …

Her legs were wet and thin fingers tried to ease the longing.

She heard a familiar humming. He was watching her. It turned her on even more. She pretended not to notice and he did not call attention to himself.

Soon, imagining his bare breast was not enough anymore and a memory came to her mind, unbidden.

“I can take whatever I want.” Oh, how a part of her had wished that he had actually meant it the way it sounded. How it had felt to be strapped to that chair, being at his mercy. It had scared her, but at the same time it had turned her on. Rey allowed the memory to get a life of its own. She imagined how Kylo Ren, the drop-dead monster, would lead his gloved hand between her legs to offer some pressure against her needy center.

\---

My mother wonders how much he knows, how much he knew, since when. She tries to be a creature of the light, but her fantasies are dark. So dark they scare her. She thinks that she must shield the galaxy from her darkness. One step forward would be the ultimate solution.


	2. Dreams of Retribution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am not a victim. I am an angry survivor. (Nina Bawden, English writer)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback everyone! Your encouragement is really motivating. And thank you also for the reminder that the original summary was a bit … amiss. Feel free to share your thoughts!

It wasn’t the last time that she used the memory of the interrogation room to give form to her twisted desires. Once her virginity had been taken, they became more pronounced. When she was back with the resistance, she frequently found herself lying on her bed at night, writhing and winding, imagining how these dark eyes would swallow her with lust. How large fingers would slide down her leggings. How he would undress himself in front of her, stripping down to the waist. And how he would lie down on top of her in this weird position, not upright, not level either. She imagined him whispering in her ear, “you want this,” while he undid the restraints around her arms.

In one of her nocturnal daydreams, her arms came around his back, scratching his skin with her fingernails while he freed his cock and slowly pushed it into her. (She entered a thin finger into her cunt to imitate the feeling while she imagined him moving in her.)

But after what he had done to her, dreaming merely about submission did not suffice. She does not like to surrender control, so she imagined how she would have turned them around and strapped him to the chair with the same restraints that had bound her. She imagined how she would have fucked herself on his cock, coming before him, and that she would have withdrawn before he was even ready.

Orgasm denial. What a thought. Rey stroked her clit hard with one hand while the other entered her, nearly completely. She had to pay attention not to make loud sounds. The walls at the new base were thin. Inconsistent pictures crossed her mind. How she would tease him with her tongue. How she would touch herself in front of his eyes. And how she would finally unclip one of his hands, so that he would stroke himself sore, releasing his cum into the emptiness of the interrogation room, unsatisfied. Rey came hard on her own hand at the thought.

Before, only the thought of him abusing her had turned her on. Now she found herself dreaming of taking control over him, of making him suffer. Revenge.

My father may be a monster, but my mother is not a saint.

\---

One month passed like this after she had walked out of the bunker to find herself on a deserted planet, a lonely X-wing waiting for her.

Then they met again. It was like a déjà vu. Rey was among a small group of resistance members who were looking for rare spare parts for their outdated equipment. After fruitless attempts on known smuggling hubs throughout the southern regions of the galaxy, they had agreed on one last attempt. Takodana. Rey knew that something was wrong the moment they entered the rebuilt castle. It was a trap. The First Order had only waited for members of the resistance to turn up there.

The ground forces that greeted them weren’t strong. The small group was able to hold their ground and wait for aid. The resistance’s pathetic “fleet” was much closer than the First Order’s navy and they hoped to endure long enough to be rescued. Until his shuttle turned up. That’s when it became personal.

Rey decided to abandon her group and lure Kylo Ren into a one-on-one fight in the forset. It soon became clear though that neither of them was willing to give the other a deathly wound, so they digressed into a mind game instead.

“Why does the _Supreme Leader_ put himself in danger?” She circled him.

“I take no pleasure in wearing this title.” He mirrored her movements. “Come on, we both know that you are not going to kill me. Turn off that saber which isn’t even yours.”

This sparked her anger. “You sure take pleasure in toying with people, your Highness.”

In a desperate attempt to defy the logic of his words, she lunged herself at him.

He grabbed her wrist and turned her lightsaber to the ground. When she dropped it, he spun her around and pressed her against a tree.

“I’m tired of fighting,” he proclaimed. “I came here to fuck you.” He shoved her leggings down and pressed himself against her bare arse. She told herself that she was too tired to fight back, but she knew it was a lie. She knew she wasn’t able to resist. She still hated him. She still wanted revenge, but her primal needs would not be neglected.

“Yes, I guess your needy cunt has been missing me.” His gloved hand cupped her sex. “I bet you missed my gloved fingers a lot during your lonely nights.”

He freed his cock and pressed it between her thighs. “And if you would allow it, you would even admit that you missed my cock. Mh, so big.” He teased her entrance. “I bet you secretly crave it. You long for it to open you again, to stretch you.”

She gasped. He grabbed her hair to force her head nearer towards his.

“Admit it!” he ordered.

“Kylo, please.”

“Please what?” He whispered in her ear, pushing a gloved finger into her.

“Please …” She was fighting for breath.

“Please respect my privacy?” He removed his finger. Her hips followed it in an unconscious movement and she whimpered.

“Or please fuck me?” His cock was at her entrance again. She let out a whine.

“Yes,” she whispered.

His tongue teased her ear and one of his hands was under her tunic, rubbing one of her nipples.

“Yes what?” He whispered into her ear. It made her shiver.

She sighed. “Yes, I yearn for you to touch me.”

“Remember that you begged for it.”

He grabbed her shoulder and pushed into her, groaning like an animal, but once he was settled, he stilled. “I want you to come around my cock, Rey.” One hand was kneading and massaging her breast while the other rubbed her clit. It made her forget for a split second how his giant cock was abusing her callow tunnel. He carefully started to pulsate inside of her, causing some friction that already sent her very close. It ashamed her how much her body reacted to his touch.

Then he pulled out and thrust in again. She flinched, but she was already coming undone. He fucked her hard and painfully while her walls contracted around him.

It made him lose control. Through the bond, Rey could feel the moment when he lost any sense of his surroundings, any idea of time and space, consumed with his own climax building. While he came, she summoned her lightsaber with one hand and grabbed his with the other. Then she pushed back with help from the force. He tripped over and fell on his back. Next thing, he had the tip of her lightsaber on his throat.

He frowned at her. “I must have really hurt you.”

She snorted. “You have no idea.” She circled him like a predator. Her clothes were already back in place, while he lay there still exposed. “You took what should have been mine to give. And yet, I cannot escape you. Because however much I want to hate you, I’m drawn to you in too many ways.” She spat. “But you will answer for what you’ve done.”

\---

“He will be executed tonight.” Poe’s voice was final.

“No.” Rey stood. Everyone stared at her. “If I had wanted him dead, I could have killed him on the spot. He will answer for his crimes.” She didn’t mean any of the crimes they were aware of.

“We cannot give him a trial!” Poe stood, too. “There is no point in it when we all know that he must die anyway.”

“Court-martialed and shot?” Rey sneered. “Sounds like the First Order to me.”

“We don’t even have the facilities to keep him here, Rey!” Poe sounded offended.

“He won’t flee, but if that placates you, I will look to it myself.” She would not let him escape her eyes anyway.

“Why do you think he wouldn’t flee?”

“He thinks this is part of our game.”

“Is it?” Poe asked annoyed. Rey could sense that he was starting to question where she stood in this.

“Well, _something_ is going on. He thinks we are in control. I think the force is just using us like pawns. Whoever is right, I will not allow you to kill him tonight.”

\---

She thinks that maybe this was her mistake. She shouldn’t have prevented his death. She could still live with the resistance. She could have told them a lie about my conception. She could have claimed not to know the name of my father. Some faceless one-night-stand from a junk dealer bar. Or she could have bent the truth. Raped by a man she hated and nothing more. She thinks that that would have been unfair to me though. I wince at the twisted logic. She wouldn’t raise me with a lie, but she is willing to kill us both?


	3. Amends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Optima ratio ulciscendi, non similem malis fieri. (Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor and practitioner of Stoicism)

There is a memory in between which must be so painful that she is unwilling to relive it in detail. Something must have happened in his cell, something involving _her_ hurting _him_. The sequence of events is a blur. There are only indistinct pictures. As far as I can tell, he had been strapped to the bed, wrists and ankles cuffed to the frame on one side. She was alone with him and she had brought a _faffa_ , a fruit like a hybrid of aubergine and asparagus. At some point she inserted it into herself in front of his eyes. Then the memory is blocked. It resumes with a sharp pain inside her chest. Self-loathing.

I have difficulty to follow now. It looks like she smuggled him out of the resistance base later. Why would she do that?

She watched him take off in an X-wing. Then she mounted one herself. So this is why we are stranded on this haunted volcanic planet? She had captured Kylo Ren, exerted some form of self-administered justice that brought her no relief but only shame, and then she helped him to escape? What the hell?! Now she is convinced that she cannot return home.

Did you ever try? Mother! Did it ever occur to you that you don’t have to be alone in this?

A new memory surfaces, as if to answer me.

“Rey!”

She was fishing when she heard his voice. At first, she thought she had dreamed it. She had been shielding herself from the force and the bond had been silent for the whole moth since she had left the resistance. Then it drew nearer and she became afraid. Did he come to confront her for what she had done to him?

“Rey, what are you doing here?”

It’s a forbidding planet. The landscape is rough. It is shaped by rocks that were ejected from the craters and occasionally interveined by rivers of cooled lava that disgorge into the sea. Vegetation is sparse and mainly limited to the steep valleys. There are no other inhabitants.

“I’m surviving. What’s your excuse?” She tried to stay calm, but she feared his wrath.

“I’ve been looking for you. I’m on my way to the Outer Rim to counter an insurgency. I felt you when we passed through this system.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “You don’t hate me?”

He sighed. “I wanted to. I told myself that what you did to me was worse than what I had done to you. I told myself that you unmanned me in a sense. That it was unjust and unfair.”

She couldn’t face him, so she looked to the porous ground. He shook his head and walked over to her. “I was wrong. Rey, look at me.” She couldn’t help but obey. “Tit for tat. What am I doing on the Dark Side if I don’t respect that? An eye for an eye. You had every right for doing what you did. I took something from you that wasn’t mine to take, and you retaliated.” He cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. “But you can’t forgive yourself, huh? Hiding in this arse-end of nowhere that makes Jakku look like hub.” She thought that he was mocking her, but then he surprised her. “I don’t think the Light Side is so unforgiving.”

“What would you know about it?” she snapped. She couldn’t bear that in a sense, he was right.

He hesitantly touched her upper arm. “I’m sorry for what I did, Rey.”

It made her want to cry. How could he apologize to her now? She thought that she had proven to be no better than him. But if he regretted it, then …

“Why? Why did you make me hate you?”

His hand was still on her arm. She closed her eyes and felt his fingers tightening their grip through the thin band that wrapped her biceps. There was no glove.

He sighed and lowered his head, before his piercing eyes sought hers again. “I was mistaken. You were not looking for someone to control you. You were looking for someone to ease your pain. I’m bad at this. I only know how to hold it in.”

\---

It’s the first time I see him like this. So my father is more than just a monster, and she knew it all along. I start to understand. My mother can’t hate him, because a part of her loves him. So she hates herself instead. Her mind is a depressing, dismal topsy-turvy. And what the hell went wrong in this memory? It seems to go so well. Maybe too well?

\---

She raised her hand to his cheek. “I know. You want to keep me in hand, but you can’t control this. Let go!” She came closer and stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek, while her hands opened his belt.

“Rey, what –“

“Shh,” she whispered in his ear. “Let go.”

Rey sank down on her knees, her eyes seeking his, and opened his trousers. His fingers spasmed.

“Allow me to please you.” She freed him of his underwear and marveled at his erection. Her fingers gently stroked the skin on his thighs, on his butt.

“Rey-“

“Shh. Let go.” She kissed the tip, licking a milky bead that hung there. He let out a breath. One of his hands tenderly stroked the back of her skull. Then it nudged her to take him in further. She pushed it away and let go of his cock so she could look at his face.

“You must surrender. Stop trying to control me.”

His hands helplessly balled into fists. When she wrapped her lips around his swollen member again, she could feel his legs shake. She got up and faced him.

“Sit,” she ordered and motioned towards a mossy rock behind him. To her surprise, he just obeyed. She watched him settle down before she started to move in his direction again. There was something in his eyes, a wish that he did not dare to voice.

“What is it?” She stopped.

“Would you … I mean, if you don’t mind …” - he ran an insecure hand through his hair – “it would be so hot if you would … crawl.”

At first, she rejected the thought. Wasn’t this like one step forwards, two steps back? However, his pleading eyes and his insecure request …

“If you beg me, I might.” She could see a thought flash behind his eyes. How he could easily make her fall on all fours with the force. She just stood, waiting for it to pass. Then she saw it. Surrender. It was no more than a nod, but he gave himself into her hands. Whatever she intended to do to him in that moment, he was determined to endure it. She got down on her knees and fell on her hands. He swallowed. The expression on his face was priceless. The surprise of receiving a present. A thought crossed her mind. _He is like me_. No one ever gave him. He had learned to take. She wanted to make her present as meaningful as possible, but she did not know what would turn him on.

“Like a cat? Or like a beaten dog?”

He looked at her bewildered. “Damn it Rey, just come over here or I’ll burst!” His cock twitched in anticipation and she decided for the cat, seductive and free, if only because she was sure he would have liked to see her in a more submissive posture.

She took her time. When she reached him, she slowly erected herself, carefully finding a comfortable position for her knees on the seaweed that covered the foot of the rock. Her hands started to caress his inner thighs and she contentedly watched him dig his fingers into the moss in response. The rock just had the right height. It was perfect, she thought. The silence of a deserted planet. The soft rush of the waves that calmed their minds. The seaweed that comforted her knees like a cushion. His strong body, for once rested and relaxed on a moss-grown stone, and his beautiful dick between her lips, trembling under her touch. She could have done this forever, but she knew he needed release. He was not used to being at somebody’s mercy for his pleasure and she didn’t dare to ruin it by overdoing things.

She took him in to the edge of her throat and he started to whine. It only took a few rather unpleasant knocks of her pharynx against the head of his cock and he came. She nearly choked on it, but she remained where she was and forced herself to swallow. All of it.

Exhausted, she rested her head on his thigh and he started to caress her head. She thought that this was one of the few peaceful moments of bliss between them. Harmony. Like when they had touched hands, or when they had fought the Praetorian guards, or when she had soothed him after his mother’s death. And like all these moments, she knew this one was not going to last.

He ruined it soon enough.

“I need you by my side, Rey. Come with me. Be my companion.”

There it was again, she thought. He wanted her to come with him, to be his lapdog. Her position between his legs suddenly made her feel sick.

She rose abruptly and stood, ready to pick a fight, but when she saw the sadness in his eyes, she understood. He didn’t expect her to accept.

“You already know why I cannot come with you.” She reached down to cup his face. A sudden urge overtook her to take away his sadness and she bowed down to kiss his forehead. When she rose again, he looked up at her like an abandoned dog.

“Stay the night?” She had wanted to offer it to him but it sounded more like a plea from her.

He looked away. “This business of mine, it’s urgent. I can’t afford to delay it for more than a few hours.”

She wanted to take a step back, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her down to sit on his leg. There was this smug expression on his face. “I still have time to return the favor.” His hand reached between her upper thighs.

She shoved it away from her center. “No.” She held his gaze. They were rarely at eye level like this. “It would make it even harder to see you leave.” Again, his eyes showed his inner struggle. He knew her body was craving for it. A part of him wanted to subdue her, to force her to let it happen.

“You can’t take me against my will again.” His hand was still on her knee and it took her a lot of self-restraint to master an expression which transported that this would indeed be against her will.

Then something happened that she did not anticipate. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. “I know,” he murmured. She thought about his words from before. ‘I’m bad at this.’ No, she thought, you’re good at this. She didn’t know why, but she started to cry.

“Do you want me to come back?” he whispered. It made her cry so much harder.

“Don’t promise this,” she choked between sobs. “I’m done with waiting.”

He held her head in his hands and looked into her eyes. “I won’t disappoint you.” She could see that he meant it. It only made it worse.

She rose. “Then you should leave now. The sooner you leave, the sooner you can return.” She faked a smile. He got dressed, lost in thought. It seemed like he was surprised about his own words and she wondered if he already considered to take it back.

\---

Months passed without a sign from him. My mother thinks that she is all alone in the world. People don’t come back for her. She looks down over the edge and wonders if she should have gone back and confessed to Finn, but she knows that he is loyal to the resistance to the core. She is sure that he would have abandoned her, too, if he knew that she carried the child of Kylo Ren, who broke her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote may be translated as: "The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury."  
> I know that Kylo’s inner world remains vague in this story. I love the idea that he just licks his wounds and gets over it, eventually even coming out wiser, while Rey can’t accept what she has done. The memory that we didn’t see will stay around to haunt us.


	4. Evil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Odi et amo. quare id faciam fortasse requiris.  
> nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior. (Catullus, Roman Poet)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and kudoing and commenting! Means a lot to me.

They walked back towards his shuttle in silence. At one point, the back of his hand brushed her knuckles. Rey suppressed the urge to take his hand, but she surrendered to the illusion that he cared for her, enough that he would return. Her whole life had been an illusion, waiting for someone who never came. What if he didn’t, she thought. Would she want to waste this opportunity to receive someone’s attention? Would it really spare her heart if she denied herself now?

They stood in front of the shuttle and he turned to face her. “Good bye, sweetheart.” He kissed her cheek. Then he turned to leave.

She grabbed his elbow, spun him back around and kissed him. Or at least she thought she did, because she didn’t really know. When Rose found out that Rey had never kissed, she offered to practice together. Now Rey wished that she had accepted. If due to her lack of skills or just surprise, it took him a while to react. He took a step back and looked at her. Rey was disappointed that he never really seemed to understand what was going on with her. I get him though. I’m inside her and I don’t understand either. How is he supposed to know what she wants when she doesn’t know it herself?

_Please kiss me back._ She couldn’t bring herself to say it aloud, so she sent the thought to his mind. Maybe he considered her words about increasing the hardship of being left, but the ravisher inside ultimately got the better of him. He knew how to kiss. With one hand he stroked her cheek before sliding his fingers into her hair behind her ear. The other spanned the small of her back, pressing her close. He slowly placed small kisses on her lips, waiting for her to learn how to form them so that the feeling got intensified.

She felt so secure in this moment, in his strong arms, seeing him so patient with her. Was he the same person who had fucked her mind and body against her dissent, the same person who had been so rough with her during their last intercourse that she had felt the bruises inside of her for weeks?

_Ben?_

_Don’t call me that. Ever. Again._

_What do I call you?_

His tongue slowly coaxed her mouth open.

                _How about ‘Master’?_

She smiled.

_Screw you, Kylo._

_Ah yeah?_

His hand slipped under her waistband, into her pants and between her buttocks, until his middle finger found her cunt and entered it. She let out a moan and he seized the opportunity to delve his tongue deep into her mouth. It was an assault on her senses. This was more intimate than they had ever been. With his tongue and teeth gently teasing her and his ungloved fingers pleasuring her center, he wound his way into depths of her soul that she had denied him before. He swallowed her and she gloried in it, allowing him to chop down her fences bit by bit, until he had conquered her completely. She drew a breath and he used the pause to slide down her leggings and pants with his free hand, the other never leaving her as if it was glued to her insides. He came back up, now spooning her sideways, and started to kiss her neck while his free hand caressed her sensitive parts from the front. Now his hands were caressing her from both sides. She closed her eyes and hummed softly, reveling in the sensation of receiving someone’s affectionate attention. It felt as if this was what she had been waiting for all her life.

“Take off your shirt.” It wasn’t a command, rather a suggestion, but she just complied. Now she stood there in only her breast band. He had never bothered to fully undress her before. “Take that off, too.”

There she was, naked in front of him. No mental defenses, no clothes. Just the insecure girl, hoping beyond hope that the man who had abused her would be worthy of her trust, that he would come and save her from this hell of a life. She even considered if she should go with him, just to have this, but she knew he wouldn’t respect her if she did.

“Spread your legs a little.”

She would have jumped off a cliff if he told her to. (Bad analogy mum, seeing where we are now.) His mouth wandered down to her breast and he started to play his tongue around her nipple, while another finger entered her. Her knees started to shake.

“Get down.”

She fell to her knees and he pushed her to fall forward so she was on her fours. He followed, his hands never leaving her.

“Do you want more?”

She just nodded. He fucked her with his hand. Fast. Intense. This was different. There was no pain, only burning desire for _more_ until she wanted to implode, but a part in her brain told her that she was not allowed yet.

“I can feel that you’re there, Rey. What else do you need?”

She closed her eyes in humiliation.

_Your permission. Tell me to come._

_Not yet._

He repositioned them until he lay under her while his hand remained inside. Then he started to suck on her clit. She was all fireworks. No sense of self. Just him. Forever.

_Now, Rey. Let me smell your contractions. Come on my fingers. Come on my mouth. Come on me._

She collapsed onto him.

\---

Why did she call him Ben? My mother wonders if that is why he didn’t return. I’ve given up on trying to understand her. There seems to be too much I’m missing here.

The next morning, she didn’t want to get up. She didn’t want to face waiting. She knew she’d start to make her scratches in the wall of her X-wing at a new panel so that she’d always know how many days would have passed since he said he’d come back. It made her sick. She got up and emptied her stomach.

It wasn’t unusual these days, but for the first time it hit her what the meaning could be. She had been sick shortly after she arrived on this planet and naively blamed it on the climate, the humid winds mixing with foul volcanic gases. Rey growled at her own stupidity. Jakku had taught her not to listen to her body in order to keep her mind sane. She had rarely bled there. Only with the resistance had her body started to develop a period that deserved its name, provided that she didn’t train too hard. She didn’t have enough time for getting so accustomed to regular bleeding that she would notice its absence.

\---

It took her several days to find a healer. She had hoped to find a woman or a specialized med droid, but here she was with this weird old man. Despite being blind, he seemed to know exactly where to put his hands. He seemed to take pleasure in touching her intimate parts, taking his time to feel the shape of her legs before he fingered her in a way that she deemed totally unnecessary for determining whether she was pregnant.

“You’re not a virgin.” Her anger grew. If she was, why would she ask him to confirm her pregnancy? “Not anymore,” he added. What was that supposed to mean? He surely couldn’t know that she only lost her virginity recently?

“You’ve been with one man only.” Now it was getting personal and she became ever more uncomfortable. “Great pleasure. Great pain.” He chuckled and Rey considered to force choke him if he didn’t return to the matter at hand. To her surprise, the hands left her center, got cleaned, and then spanned her lower belly.

“You’re pregnant.”

Then all of a sudden, the old man leapt backwards, panting. He looked up at her. “This is the fruit of evil. You’ve been with _him_.”

Now Rey was certain. This man was not an ordinary healer. He had access to the force, and while his taste for fingering maiden bodies was disgusting, he had no love for the Dark Side.

“You’ve got to remove it. It’s evil. His line must die. It should never have existed. If you carry a Skywalker heir, we shall all be doomed.”

\---

Me? DID HE JUST TELL HER TO REMOVE ME? Goddamn bastard! I’m gonna come after you. And your whole family. I’m gonna erase any offspring your line shall ever produce!

That is, if my mother doesn’t kill me before that.

Evil. I like the sound of it. I guess that’s gonna be my name for now. Evil Skywalker.

\---

My mother fled. She couldn’t understand how anyone would tell her to do such a thing. Kill an innocent fetus! (Times are changing, I guess.) She wished my father had been there with her. At the same time, she was glad he wasn’t. What would he say when he found out that he had forced a child into her? Had he considered the possible consequences of his actions?

She hadn’t. Held in captivity, she had not spent a single thought on the possibility that she might be receptive. It wasn’t quite that surprising though. If she was honest to herself, the time she spent in his bunker was like a cure for her exploited body. In the beginning, she had fought it, exercising too hard every day, hoarding food, allowing her mind to be flooded by the feeling of being a bird in a cage. Gradually, she accepted it though. She noticed that there was more food than she could ever eat, and that the more food she took, the more they would bring. She started to use the fresher, even though she suspected that he had cameras installed there. The thought of it turned her on, and occasionally she would pleasure herself in there. When she bled after about one week, she had to get accustomed to a new method of containing it, because she still wasn’t allowed underwear.

Eventually, she had even started to listen to his monologues. They weren’t bad. She learned a lot. A tacit way of communication was formed when she started to read the books that covered what he had been talking about. She piled them on the desk with bookmarks in the respective areas. It made him smile every day when he entered her room and found that the pile had grown, a book on top that covered the previous day’s topic. She should have studied harder, she thinks. Maybe if she wasn’t such a hick, he’d have returned for her.

Ever since we’ve arrived at this ledge, she has been looking for where she made a mistake. It’s pathetic. None of these memories seem to explain her current situation. None but one. The memory from his cell.

I need to know this one in detail. If she’s gonna jump, I want to know why. I have a right to know! Show me! _Show me!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask.  
> I do not know, but I feel it happening and I am tortured."  
> So, I've decided to enhance the lunacy of this story and precede all chapters with quotes.
> 
> Update: I'm not feeling well and it's inhibiting my mental capacities. Even though there's a physical cause, it's one of these things where medicine can't do much about it and you just gotta go through it. It's not dangerous, just very nasty, might take weeks or even months. Enough of being cryptic, all I wanted to say was: be patient. I will update eventually.


	5. Missed Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While seeking revenge, dig two graves – one for yourself. (Douglas Horton, American clergyman)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made it! An update! I’m sorry, but I had to slow down due to health issues. Don’t give up on me, I’ll finish this story eventually.

She is fighting me. At first, I am angry, but then I realize that if she has to fight me, I do have a chance, so I push harder. _Show me!_

There it is. As clear as day. I can feel that she hurts, but I have to see this. I want to understand!

Wow. I thought she had hurt him physically. This is more. This is … mental.

She put on a show, slowly undressing in front of his eyes. She was even wearing make-up. Like colorful stuff, lipstick and eye shadow and all. I wonder where she got this lacy underwear. She was moving like a goddess. Seductress, queen of temptation, she had transformed into a black widow.

I can see how his eyes followed her every move. His mouth was salivating. The perfect victim.

She kept her underwear, but when she took a sip from the bottle she had brought, she spilled some on herself. It trickled down her breasts and made the lacy fabric practically translucent. Then she started to play with the fruit. Her lips and her tongue skillfully caressed it, before she slid it down her neck, her breasts, her perfectly trained abdominals and into her pants, where she pressed it against her clit and moaned. Loud. Obscene.

She went over to the bed where he was lying on his side, with his wrists and ankles cuffed to the bedframe. His trousers displayed a huge bulge. She freed his erection and enjoyed the power that she had over him.

“Mh, so big,” she mimicked him. “I bet you would like to open me again, to stretch me.”

She turned around and bowed down. Shoving the lacy bit of fabric to the side, she inserted the faffa into her cunt.

“Oh yes, this would be so much better with your cock!” she groaned, while she fucked herself on her organic dildo. Then she took it out and turned around. “But your cock didn’t ask.” His eyes narrowed. “And neither does my fruit.”

She climbed on top of him and hovered over his exposed center. For the first time, there was real fear in his eyes. He had an inkling now what she was about to do, but his cock was still swollen.

“I like that dominant side of you,” he confessed. “Rey, whatever you’re about to do, make sure that it doesn’t hurt you more than it hurts me.” His eyes were pleading with her. I think he meant it.

“Tss.” She didn’t mind. “I don’t care about me. All I want is my revenge.” She started to massage his cock. Skillfully. He closed his eyes and let out a suppressed “mh”.

\---

Here’s something I don’t get. If she never even _kissed_ anyone, where the hell did she acquire such skill in tending to a penis?

She is eager to show me. It looks like she is desperate for an excuse to leave the memory. I’m curious, so I allow to let it slip. For now.

She was fourteen when she was cornered by three men in a deserted valley. They made obscene comments and circled her as if she was a wild animal. Probably she was. When one of them suggested how they should deflower her with that delicious stick of hers, she lounged at him with all her strength and captured his head between her body and her staff. The men ultimately retreated, not willing to risk their lives for a fuck, but it left Rey with a feeling that sooner or later, someone would rape her. She was old enough to be a target now.

Rey decided to cut a deal with Unkar Plutt. Of course, he would demand a piece of her soul in return. He agreed to guarantee that no man who set foot into Niima would dare to touch her cunt, if she agreed to occasionally give a blow job to his important guests.

In the beginning, she wondered if it was worth it. Noticing her lack of an idea what to do, the men took things into their own hands and basically fucked themselves on her skull. She always knew she was scum, but nothing had ever left her feeling so abased.

So she sought out Ahema, one of the older scavengers who was rumored to have been a whore until a brutal incident had left her unable to pursue that profession any longer.

Ahema demanded a whole ration in exchange for her knowledge and Rey refused at first. After another delegation from the core worlds rammed their ugly dicks against her pharynx and she got beaten for throwing up, she changed her mind. She really couldn’t afford to let something like this happen again. Being beaten was bad, but losing precious nutrition might get her killed.

To Rey’s initial dismay, Ahema didn’t even eat the portion. She traded it for a faffa. The old witch turned out to be a savvy mistress. To her, pleasing a man wasn’t just business. It was an art and she was eager to pass it on to a new apprentice. Rey’s encounters with Plutt’s special guests became much easier once she took the lead. Sometimes she would even receive presents, but she always handed them over to Plutt because she couldn’t risk his protection. Once she received an old leather belt from a pilot. He knew that it was worthless to Plutt and sure enough, Rey was allowed to keep it. This pilot was the only man who had ever been mindful and kind to her before she left Jakku. Rey never understood Ahema’s fascination with pleasing men.

Until that day in Kylo Ren’s cell. A part of her wanted to leave it at that. She could just let him come in her hands. But she made a different decision. A tear runs down my mother’s face when I force her to proceed with the memory. She would rather like to forget.

“Ben Solo,” she whispered. “Do you know how it feels to be fucked against your will by someone you’re attracted to? Do you know the torture of ambiguity? When you don’t know who to hate more: the person who is doing it to you or yourself for being aroused?”

She teased his butthole with the tip of the fruit, smearing her own juice on him.

“You may be the mighty Kylo Ren. Master of the universe.” She sneered.

“But tonight …” she lowered her head down to his to whisper in his ear “… you’re just Ben. Vulnerable,” She inserted the tip of the fruit into his hole.

“Sensitive,” Her hand gave his cock another stroke.

“Lonely,” She let go of the fruit to stroke his hair above his ear.

A single tear escaped his eye and she bent down to kiss it from his nose. “Sad Ben.”

Her forehead rested on top of his ear. “Just allow it.” She inserted the fruit in deeper. “It won’t hurt much if you relax.” She whispered in his ear again: “I tried it on myself.” He swallowed and she smiled.

She inserted the fruit until she reached the mark she had carved where an average penis ended. Then she gave his penis a few quick strokes to bring him close.

He twitched when she stilled. Her hand still held him in a firm grip.

“Do you need to come, Ben?”

His eyes watered. “Please, Rey. Make it stop.”

“You will have to tend to yourself.”

“What?!” He cried out. All his suppressed anger threatened to leak through.

“Move,” she ordered. He started to move his hips to gain some friction for his needy cock and gasped when he found himself moving around the faffa, too, which Rey held firmly in place.

“You insane bitch!” he cried, but he kept moving.

“Good boy,” she whispered. “Now come on my fruit.” She tightened her grip and he immediately released himself on the bedsheet and the floor.

Rey carefully removed the fruit and threw it down the waste chute. When she returned to him, he trembled. She felt no triumph. Just remorse. She climbed into the bed again, put his clothes back in place and laid down behind him to hold him in her arms. “It’s over,” she whispered. “Ben, I’m sorry.”

I think I’ve seen enough. These two! Arghhh. Can’t they just, I don’t know, get it together? I mean, this memory was disturbing, but he already said you are even. Mum! This is not the reason why it took him until today to come back!

_But he’s not back._

It’s the first time that she is talking to me. I don’t know what to say. Now that I know him better, his behavior today makes even less sense to me. Sure he’s a prick, but … would he just leave her?

\---

She already felt him when his ship entered this system. It made her nervous. Why did he come now? Did he sense over their weird bond that she was carrying his heir? Did he come to claim me?

She went down to the beach to meet him. It was awkward. I could feel that she desperately wanted to hug him, but they stood some safe distance apart and just stared at each other.

“Why didn’t you come back?” She couldn’t hide her anger.

He narrowed his eyes. “Why are you still here? Why didn’t you go back to the resistance?” He took some hesitant steps toward her and then he froze. He looked her up and down. Then he lost all control and leapt forward to wrap his hands around her neck. “Whose child is this?!” Jealousy was written all over his face.

My mother just stayed calm and bared her teeth at him. “You imbecile piece of shit. Just go ahead.” She lifted her chin to give him a better grip on her neck. “Kill the mother of your child.”

His expression went blank and his grip loosened. He let go of her and ran his fingers through his hair while he stared at her with his mouth open. “It’s mine?”

That’s when _she_ lost it. “What kind of dim-whitted whore do you think I am?!” She screamed at him, furious. “One of the first things I did when I left your bunker was to get me an implant!”

She crossed the distance between them and slapped him hard on the face, causing his lip to bleed. “For _fuck’s_ sake, Kylo, use your brain! Why would I let anyone near my pussy when it’s so obvious that I have fallen for you?” She only whispered the last part of the sentence.

He still stared at her in shock. Everything was written plainly on his face. Shock about her being pregnant with his child. Shock about it being his fault. Shock about having laid hands on her. Shock about her daring to slap him in the face. _Again_. But first and foremost, he was shocked about her last revelation. Unable to face any of these facts, he opted for the flight forward.

“You have to come with me now, Rey.”

She stared at him in disbelief, wondering if they would ever get past his obsession with taking control over her. “No,” she said with a frown, “I won’t.”

“Don’t be stupid Rey.” He shook his head. “You can’t stay here, not in your current state. I’ve got the best medical equipment in the galaxy.”

“I’ve got a med droid, thanks!” she spat.

This sparked his anger once more. “I will not argue with you about this.” He gripped her upper arm and started to drag her toward his shuttle. It made me furious. That evil man would not lay hands on my mother again!

White lightning sizzled out of her arm. My father took back his hand and stared at the burn marks on his palm. A dark shadow crossed his eyes. “That child will bring evil, Rey. You had better got it removed.”

Without another word, he turned around, mounted his shuttle and took off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so thankful for all the support!  
> I guess it's time to face the present in the next chapter. It was hard to keep all these unordered flashbacks in check with a reasonably coherent development of the narrator's self.


	6. The present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Non manca mai a nessuno una buona ragione per uccidersi. (Cesare Pavese, Italian poet)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "No one ever lacks a good reason for suicide."  
> I think I’ve got it finished. Pre-last chapter.

I want to hate him the way I hate this healer. Can everyone just stop telling my mama that I shouldn’t be born! I can’t hate him though. I wish he’d love me the way he loves her. For I know he does love her, even if she doesn’t understand. I’m so jealous. Father! Come back, I’m sorry!

That was it. There are no more memories to consider. She gets up.

Mom, don’t!

_I’m sorry, love._

She’s gonna jump. I can’t believe it. She must really hate me.

**Father!** If I can’t get through to her, maybe I can get through to him. She’s bonded to him, isn’t she? **Father! She’s gonna kill us!**

                _Little one._

_NO!_

Wow, are we having a psychic conversation now, all three of us? My high spirits find a sudden end when she takes a step forward.

And jumps.

**Father, we’re falling!**

_No! Stop it!_

**How?**

He sends a wave of warmth through the bond that I have never felt before. Affection. Protectiveness. Unconditional forgiveness. Wow. Is that love?

**Is that how you feel for her?**

_No. My feelings for your mother are far more complicated. This is how I feel for you._

I can’t believe it. He’s lying! He would say anything in order to save _her_.

**You told her to kill me!**

_Yes, but I’m not lying! And I’m sure she feels like this for you, too._

**She just _did_ kill me!**

_You’re still alive. Would you rather die and never find out? Break the fall! Now!_

No! Yes! I don’t know. I want to live! He sends another wave of love. I can feel that he’s near. Mother, open your eyes! She does. Damn it, we’re close to the bottom of the canyon. I put all the strength I find in his reassurance that I _am_ loved into my efforts to break our fall.

We do slow down. Not enough though, not nearly enough. I can hear an engine above us. Then all lights go out.

\---

Everything is white. I’m in heaven I guess. Do unborn children get to heaven? How would I know it’s white? Do I have eyes in heaven? I move my arms. I’m still floating in waters. It’s her eyes, not mine. Did we both land in heaven?

“Rey!” His voice?

Ok, so, if anyone doesn’t belong in heaven it’s Kylo fucking Ren!

“We’re alive.” She says it with such despair in her voice that it makes me angry. She turns her head and looks at him. It’s heartbreaking. He’s sitting at her bedside, holding her hand. His eyes are swollen as if he’s been crying for days.

“You think I could just let you die?” He lowers his forehead to rest on top of her hand. “Rey,” he sobs, “I love you.”

\---

He lowers his mental barriers and shows her a memory. Kylo Ren is orbiting the volcanic planet, lost in thought. He’s skimming archive entries about force visions. Part of the ship’s surfaces bear fresh scars of saber cuts, but the consoles are intact.

Something catches his attention. Something beyond the ship. “No!” Without calculations, he presses the gear for hyperdrive, entirely relying on the force to keep him from crashing right into the planet.

The ship exits hyperspace in the middle of a canyon. In the distance, he can see a body falling and aims directly at it. In the last minute, he rolls the ship over and ejects the parachute. When he feels that something has caught in it, he balls his fist and shouts, “yes!”

But that’s about it for his ingenious plan. The capsized ship with a dangling parachute is practically disabled. It’s not maneuverable anymore and just speeds towards the ocean in a dangerous spin. When they reach the shore, he drops the parachute and presses the button for the ejection seat. He can only hope now that the water is shallow enough for her not to drown and deep enough for him to survive his fall.

It’s a miracle, he thinks, when he reaches the parachute, which has been washed ashore, for he finds her breathing, harboring two separate heartbeats. He carries her all the way back up the mountain to where she parked her X-wing.

\---

She frowns. “You saved me?” I can feel her inner battle. Her anger at failing to save the world from great evil is having a hard time against her melting heart at the realization that he did come back for her.

He shrugs. “I had help.”

Rey turns her head away from him. “It’s evil. You’ve said it yourself. It’s dark, and it’s strong.”

“No. That’s not what I meant. The lightning is pretty cool, actually.” Fuck, I think I’m beginning to like him. “It was something else. When the lightning touched me, I had a vision. A woman, dying in childbirth. Rey, I was just … overwhelmed!” She still doesn’t face him. “That uproar I was leaving for three months ago? It turned out to be a guerilla fight against the remains of the radical wing of the rebellion.” He sounds truly exhausted. “It didn’t go well.” Now she turns back to face him, but he just stares off into nothingness. “I tried to arrange a truce, but they refused. We had to blow up the whole system in the end.”

She stares at the ceiling. “Of course you had to.”

He gets up and smashes his fist into a wall. “Hell, yeah, Rey. That’s who I am! A monster. Will you shut it? You just tried to _murder our child_!” Says the man who told her to. Ironic.

They stare at each other in silence. The moment passes and he sits back down beside her. “When my sources told me that you never returned to the resistance, I thought I could just run away for a day or two. Spend time with you. Forget. But then everything just … got out of hands.” He runs a hand through his hair and looks at her with these dark, sad eyes. I don’t understand how it can leave her so cold. He’s obviously being torn apart.

“Why did you have to stop me?” Is that all you have to say, mother?

“Why did I … Rey! This is exactly what I feared. It’s what I fear most in the world! Your death. The woman in my vision, I thought it was you.”

She looks away again. “So let’s assume you were mistaken and this child doesn’t kill me in childbirth. It’ still dark.”

He takes her hand again and smiles. “No one is just dark. I’ll teach her to be grey.”

Her. I’m a she? I’m a girl!

He rises and kisses her forehead. “Why don’t my two little princesses get some rest. We can go on fighting tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.”

At that, she rises on her forearms and spits at him. “I’m _not_ your little princess! How do you think this is going to work out? You think you can keep me here as your prisoner? As your personal incubator?”

His expression becomes serious again. “No, Rey, you two made it very clear that I couldn’t keep you against your will. I only want you to recover. I hoped that we could discuss the rest tomorrow, but if you insist … You were unconscious for half a week. I swore on the force that if you ever woke up, I’d make this work, that we’d be family.” My heart leaps at that. Does he mean it?

“You abandoned the resistance. For me. And for this child I guess.” He is back to holding her hand. It’s cute. She doesn’t fight it.

“I’ll abandon the First Order. I’ve made contact with your friend, FN. He’s gonna help us. We’ll go into hiding.”

Everything inside her screams YOU WHAT? But she keeps it together. Did he think this through?

“You and hiding?” Her brows want to make contact with her hairline. “What would we do for a living?”

He smiles. “A scavenger and the son of a smuggler? I guess we’d be selling junk?”

At that, she starts to laugh. Uncontrollably. She is shaking. Crying. Until strong arms come around her to hold her. “Shh. We’ll figure something out ok? I just want to be by your side. Just let me in, please.”

She nods and he sighs. I want to cry, too. “Shh, it’s gonna be alright, Sweetheart. I know I can’t give you what you need. You deserve a kind, loving companion. Someone who’s stable and reliable and … nice. All I can offer you is me.”

She turns her head and faces him. “Maybe that’s what I need. Maybe it’s even what I deserve. But it’s not what I want.” She touches his cheek.

He swallows. “What do you want, Rey?”

She looks straight into his eyes. In this bright light, they take on a dark shade of green. “I want to love and I want to hate. I want to abuse and to adore. I want to be respected and I want to be used.”

He smiles. He’s kind of handsome when he smiles. I can feel my mother have the same thought. Her heart skips a beat and I have to remind her body to supply me with the right level of blood pressure while he brings his head nearer to hers and whispers in her ear. “I don’t think that’s a healthy kind of relationship, but I will help you with the last bit.” His hand is on her knee, slowly wandering upwards along her inner thigh. “Do I have permission to use you?”

“If you ask for permission, it’s not exactly …” She gasps when three of his fingers suddenly enter her cunt.

“Not exactly what?”

He spreads them and she lets out a squeal. “Not exactly G-rated I guess.”

“Hell, no. You’re right. Good night, little one.” I fall asleep immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a hell of a ride and I’ve had a lot of fun with your remarks and speculations. Thank you for staying with me! Only one chapter left.


	7. Vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. (Shakespeare)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. Woohoo. Sorry it’s quite short.

I've never had a dream before. I'm not even sure this is one.

I'm standing in front of a mirror. At first, I think it's my mother looking back at me, but then I see that it's not her.

It's a woman about her age, maybe a bit younger, or maybe less worn out by life. Gods, she's beautiful. Deep blue-green eyes are framed by rather short and untidy dark hair. Who is she? What's her purpose in life? Is she a warrioress? A priestess? A she-devil? Tell me!

Suddenly there is a mirror behind me, too, and her picture is multiplied into infinity. On the front, she is wearing a grey cloak. But from the back, it looks like she is wearing black. Which one am I?

The mirror remains silent.

Do I get to choose?

All the reflections merge into one as the mirror behind me disappears. The clothes are gone. She is naked. She is perfect. Slim but strong. Fragile and yet unbreakable. She's my father's type. Hold on, she's... me. I've obviously spent too much time inside my mother's head if I get distracted with unbidden images of Kylo Ren fucking this woman sore while she screams with pleasure.

I close my eyes and try to shake the thought. She is naked for a reason. It doesn't matter what she wears.

I will have to choose every day?

She smiles. I guess it's a yes.

What about my parents?

She rolls her eyes and shows me two middle fingers.

They suck?

She cocks her head and raises her eyebrows in a what-did-you-think way. Well, in a galaxy of parental failures it would have been hard to believe that _they_ should be the exception.

Do I love them?

She shrugs. Maybe that's up to me.

Do they love me?

She cocks her head and gives me that look again. Condescending bitch. Looks like she takes after him. I think I like her.

She disappears. Wait! I feel like I wanted to ask her something. Something important, but now I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s for the best.

\---

When I wake up, they're fucking. Doggy style. His penetration is very careful. Thanks, dad. His hands are abusing her breasts though and his … version of dirty talk, bah.

"Once you've littered, I'm gonna milk your breasts. I'm gonna drink from them. And then I'm gonna fuck you numb." I can sense how his words increase her arousal. Her rising heart rate increases mine, too. It’s as if I’m doing sports.

“You’d like that, hm?” He feeds her two fingers that still taste like herself. “I’m gonna use you like you’ve never been used before. I’m gonna make you crawl and suck my dick whenever I like. You’re gonne wake up at night, strapped to the bed while I insert my saber into your cunt.” She closes her eyes and imagines it. “And when it’s buried deep inside of you, I’m gonna fuck you anally.”

He retrieves the fingers from her mouth and places one of them at her butthole. “And if I’m pleased with you, maybe I’m gonna allow you to come.”

She winces, because he has stopped moving. “Fuck yourself on me, Rey.” He slowly sits back and she has to rise to her knees to find his cock again. She gasps when she realizes that in order to sit down on his length, she will have to sit on his finger, too. Eventually, she does as she is told. And judging by the deep sound of her groans, she likes it. I find it kinda disgusting.

“May I come?” Urgh, and this weird quirk of hers to need his approval. I can hear her thoughts. Yes, please, this is it, please, please, _please_. Pathetic.

He squeezes her breasts from behind. “I love how you beg for it. But you don’t get to come yet. Not before me. Ride me harder.” She does. Holding back hurts, until she grabs his balls and squeezes them. He gasps and comes immediately, fucking up into her without control. Hey, careful there!

She lets out a relieved sigh and contracts around him. Ew. I get it. Maybe they love me, but they really suck. When she contentedly spasms around his cock with that image in her mind of him drinking from her breasts, I know that I will have to find a way to shield me from her mind for the remaining four months. Maybe I’ll force her to teach me meditation.

\---

She looks at him with worried eyes. “What if I’m gonna hate her? Just like I hate you?”

He smiles and shakes his head. “You love me.”

She looks away. “I know.”

He grips her cheek and forces her head back toward his. “She’s my child. I’m sure she’s gonna be irresistible. You’ll have no choice but to love her beyond measure.” They chuckle and he starts to kiss her. It’s sweet at first, but soon it becomes more demanding. No, not again! I send myself to sleep this time.

He stays with her in the med bay and they finally fall asleep in each other’s arms. It’s great. I have a family. Maybe one day I’m gonna kill them, but for now, I think I’ll enjoy it and pretend to be a good girl.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being such a supportive audience. I hope you all somehow enjoyed the story. It’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever written. As always, I’m happy to receive more kudos and to answer comments. I know I left some loose ends. Their future is up to your imagination.


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